Business Communication

I had to take Biz Comm last year. It sucked. Although the teach repeated endlessly that we really needed his class, and it wasn't all just common knowledge for non-idiots, it was in fact not needed, and was common knowledge for me as I am a non-idiot.

One of the assignments I had was to write about how to properly plan a dinner party, and how you could be fired if you didnt do it right. I didnt keep the assignment page, just my answer. But, for clarity it went something like this:

You are a lawyer in a firm, one of the partners wants you to plan a dinner party. Remember you don't want to mess up as it could effect your status within the firm! Etc. etc. The point of the assignment was to check our knowledge of the textbook, (which happened to be written by my professor). I hated the way this guy wrote. He was so lame. By this point in the semester I couldn't take the b.s. anymore. It was sickening. So, here is my assignment, which I got a good grade on because the TA probably just checked to see if I turned in something.

In the course of planning a formal event, one must consider a great many things. These things include things. Some things are important. Some things are not important! This is important to re-member! Thanks to my indispensable, craptacular college business communication book, and its great-for-hypothetical-scenarios section on business dining etiquette, I am not to be worried about losing my position with my organization. Why? I have the necessary advice for such a situation. Never mind that I could be fired for such a horrible reason as not being a good party planner, nor the fact that I would be saddled with this responsibility when there are party planners available in the phone book, on the internet, in the world. Why choose them when we could get the lawyer in the firm to do it? This is exactly the kind of thinking that I admire, from people that would be excellent employers.

Without further ado, I shall now regurgitate, as requested, the required information:

The host is extremely important. He or she makes the important decisions, from where and when, to who and how.

Seating arrangements are also important. People like to feel important and better than other people so we arrange it this way. The more people will be put in order by rank and ‘status.’ Losers sit at the end, Winners sit at the head.

When at the table, it is important to consider your napkin. Its placement is paramount. Someone will be watching you. If for some evil reason, you decide to put the fold facing somewhere other than your knees, woe be unto you. I am positive someone will pay a visit to your family, as such behavior is reprehensible and will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy.

The host shall decide when it is proper to bring up matters of business, Woe! And again I say Woe! To he who brings up sales reports when the host does not allow. The stake is in his future as the mighty host will not tolerate this behavior. I am also sure you will be excommunicated.

There are other things to consider as well, however the space here is not sufficient for the ramblings of the all knowing Book of Communication. Therefore, I must retire. Thank you, and may the host be kind to you, and look on your poor manners with mercy in his heart.